Q: My ex cheated on me, and now I am back on the dating scene and finding it hard to trust new partners. What do you suggest?
Although I felt heartbroken and betrayed after my marriage ended, I was fortunate to have the support of friends and family who helped me rediscover a sense of love and security. Rebuilding trust, especially in the context of dating, took time (ages in fact). I’ve found that taking baby steps and getting to know someone slowly - a “slow burn” approach - works best for me. Trust is the foundation of all relationships, and it takes time to build, progressing through small, deliberate steps.
To be honest, I still struggle with trusting new people I date and can be thrown back into the trauma of my past betrayal when someone is unreliable or inconsistent. When that happens, I try to be mindful and practice self-care, taking deep breaths when triggered. Even so, I continue to trust my instincts and gut feelings, and I’m clear about my boundaries and expectations from the outset.
My approach to building trust starts with zero. I observe how someone behaves during our early interactions, paying attention to first impressions and gut reactions. Do they follow through on their promises? Simple things like texting or calling when they say they will, and showing up on time, matter a lot in these early stages.
Self-compassion and patience are important, but if these qualities aren’t consistent in the other person, I’ve learned that it’s better to end things sooner rather than later. As you get to know someone better, assess whether they are dependable across different situations. Engage in meaningful conversations, ask questions and observe their behaviour.
Consistency and dependability are essential for maintaining trust. It requires ongoing communication and continuous positive interactions.
If you’ve been cheated on, like in your situation, it’s commendable that you’ve found the courage to start dating again. Be patient with yourself and your new partner. Trust takes time to develop, so communicate openly and let it grow naturally. Taking things slowly and being honest about your feelings will help you build a strong foundation for future relationships.
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